Swinging into the Dark
I’ve been talking a good game lately about my Plan and my methodology and all the rest. But I’ll let you in on something: I’m delaying. Sure, I’m doing a lot of thinking — what else is new? — but I’m not actually creating. I’m not making shit. Not even trying.
Some of you will counsel me to be gentle with myself and patient and to let it unfold. But I know when I’m avoiding and I want to come clean: Most of the blog posts you’ve read over the past couple of weeks were written in one fell swoop weeks ago, and then carefully parsed out so I could fool myself into believing I was advancing the project without really doing much at all.
The fact is I’m terrified. See that picture at the top of the post? See the tiny figure alone in the black? That’s me. The picture was taken by Jen Lee in August; I was swinging on a rope into a swimming hole, and the day was overcast and there was too little light for her camera. I kept the picture because it felt true.
I am in a position where I need to swing out into a universe of uncertainty, unable to see anything, not feeling much except the burn on my hands from the rope. And a terror so vast that it feels like nothing. I keep saying I want to be an artist — but I have no medium, no materials, no process, no work. I’m engaged in an elaborate game of make-believe where I pretend it’s possible to think my way through this, to plan it out in advance. I create the ruse of a big, bang-up beginning here on my blog, but I risk nothing because I actually do nothing.
I cannot take the first step because I want to know exactly where I’m going. And there is no way to know that.
If I ever start this journey, I will have to find my way in the pitch dark. And maybe it’s better to swing bravely out into it rather than to crawl inch by inch.
Trust me when I say that I know all about wanting to know in advance how things will go…so much that without that knowledge, I can paralyze myself from moving forward and taking action. The planning part is something I spend hours and hours on and the actual enacting part is much harder for me. Even scary sometimes. This is because I allow fear of the unknown to take over. My biggest goal for myself at the moment is to let go of that fear and the judgement I place on myself when things don’t go how I want them to. Just by thinking it through and acknowledging your fears, you’re making more progress than you know…swing out lady! And maybe we need to track down Flora Bowley and take Bloom True before Squam rolls around again! We may need it sooner than that!
Swing out and swing wide, Kate.
sometimes the best way to get past fear is to jump on top of it
Even that last sentence is procrastination….is theory. Doesn’t matter whether you swing or whether you crawl. Just start. Just take the step in front of you, however clumsily, however blindly. Do SOMETHING. Anything! Just start. One thing will lead to another. And it may feel like you’re playing. And it may feel disconnected. And it may feel like there’s no direction. And you might wonder what the heck you’re doing. And feel like you’re going nowhere at all. But one day you’ll wake up and realise with astonishment that you’re at Point B. And will look back and realise just how beautifully you got there. How one (seemingly) random thing led to another. And another. And you’ll see there was method – of a sort – there all along.
Promise me you’ll send your brain on vacation (that means no thinking) and that you’ll make something or draw something this weekend. Doesn’t matter what. Doesn’t matter if it’s big or small. Good or bad (there’s no judgement here – that would require thinking…). Doesn’t matter if you spend five minutes or five hours on it. Just begin. Okay?
oh my…you and I should get a drink and talk about this because I too am doing the SAME thing! wow, you are speaking my words and as much as I don’t enjoy doing this to ourselves it feels kinda good I’m not alone.